This is my prayer in the desert....

Today I found out that I am going to miscarry my 6 1/2 week pregnancy. There are all kinds of thoughts and emotions that go with this knowledge. My first thought: "No, everything could still be ok." My second thought: "Ok, this is really going to happen." My third thought: "I hope John will be ok." My fourth thought: "Try not to cry right now." My fifth thought: It's going to be ok." After leaving the sonogram room and going back down stairs to my car, I cried. I cried a lot.

You see, I work at a pregnancy center. I deal with miscarriages all the time. I had prepared myself that my first pregnancy would end in miscarriage, but there was still hope inside me that my baby would make it. 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, but what if I was one of the three? I kept praying during the last two weeks that I would be one of the three, that all of my worries would be for nothing, and that my baby would be healthy. I prayed fervently, but even when I was praying that everything would be ok with my baby, I prayed that God's will would be done. You see, I finally get that we dont understand everything. We think we do, but we don't. We think we know what God's will should be, and when it doesn't happen the way that we think we should, we get mad. Well this is something that people typically get upset about, and yes I am sad, but I'm not upset. I'm not mad. I'm not angry at God, and I'm not asking why. I dont need to know why. I know that there is a reason why I had this miscarriage. God is a good God and He has a perfect will. It might not be the will that I understand, but it is a good and perfect will. I feel at peace about it and I feel that this is truth.

A little over two weeks ago (the day I found out I was pregnant), for some reason, I put in my Hillsong United cd and put it to track number 5. I started listening and decided that no matter what happened, I would believe this song as my own prayer. Whether good happened or bad happened, I wanted this song to be my prayer, and by God's loving grace, it has become that. These are the words, and they couldn't be more perfect for how I feel.

"This is my prayer in the desert, when all that's within me feels dry. This is my prayer in my hunger and need. My God is the God who provides. This is my prayer in the fire, in weakness or trial or pain. There is a faith proved of more worth than gold, so refine me Lord through the flame. I will bring praise. I will bring praise. No weapon formed against me shall remain. I will rejoice. I will declare; God is my victory and He is here. This is my prayer in the battle, when triumph is still on the way. I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ, so firm on His promise, I'll stand. All of my life, in every season, you are still God. I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship. This is my prayer in the harvest, when favor and providence flow. I know I'm filled to be emptied again, this seed I've received I will sow."

I don't share this so that people will think I am some good person. I'm not...shocker I know:). I share this because I guess this song convicted me. We aren't supposed to just praise Him in the good times. We are supposed to praise Him in the bad ones too. This is a bad one, but I'm going to praise Him in it because I know that my God is the God who provides, that He is refining me, and that I can stand firm in His promise that He loves me and will never leave me.